Fridae

You've probably heard or read the damning reviews of the newly opened historical extravaganza Alexander, starring Colin Farrell. Critics have been calling it a bloated, expensive mess. And it's faring poorly at the US box-office.

But here's a second opinion from us - and ours matters more because it's a fags' opinion. Alexander is worth watching for all of us queers because it accurately portrays a time when societal attitudes towards gay sex were much more accepting than they are today. Plus, the fact that its director, Oliver Stone, had the balls to show it on screen says a lot about the kind of director that he is.

You see, Alexander the Great was not the only flaming bisexual in ancient Greek history. Most Greek men were bisexual - including the great, golden-haired warrior Achilles whose bosom buddy, Patroclus, was his long-term lover.

Recently, Achilles was played by Hollywood's golden boy Brad Pitt in another expensive, bloated Greek mess called Troy. But his scenes with Patroclus (played by Garrett Hedlund) never once suggested anything more than platonic friendship.

Remember the part when Patroclus got killed and Achilles was so angry, he made a ferocious charge into the battlefield? That's only because he loved Patroclus more than anyone else. But this was portrayed as pure brotherly love - not romantic gay love.

By comparison, Oliver's film portrays Alexander's bisexuality more frankly, and there are several scenes and dialogue to depict Greek male love as it really was. Chief among them:

1) Alexander's mother, Olympias (played by Angelina Jolie), asks Alexander if he fancies girls, because the word on the street was that he only liked boys. She says that his gay impulses are "only natural" but advises him to find a woman to bear him children.

2) Old Ptolemy (Anthony Hopkins), who narrates the film, describes Alexander an legendary soldier-king who could not be defeated by anyone or anything except "Hephaistion's thighs." (If that isn't a friggin' hint on Alexander's rampant gay sexuality, we don't what is.)

3) Hephaistion (played by pretty boy Jared Leto) was Alexander's bosom buddy and fu-, fu-, er, fun buddy. In the first half of the film, Alexander and he frequently exchange longing looks, lyrical words and bear-y hugs.

4) Later, Alexander also takes on a male Indian dancer as a lover and manservant. When Alexander is gazing into his eyes, a crowd of soldiers watching them shout: "Kiss him! Kiss him!" And they do!

Anyone with a passing knowledge of ancient Greek history is aware of the importance of male love in classical Athens. The male love, which their society accepted, was that between an adult man and a teenage boy.

The older man was expected to pass on knowledge to the boy and help him become a man too. Thus, the original term to describe the older man was erastes or "inspirer," and eromenos or "listener" for the younger man.

Indeed, all adult men were expected to marry and have children. But before that, they must have had at least one older, wiser man take them under their wings. Thus, attractive teenage boys and young men often found themselves surrounded by older men, eager to court them. And when these young men too have married and aged, Greek society expected them to take on younger male lovers to pass on their wisdom.

If you watch Alexander carefully, you'll see a very brief scene during a party where an older man is forcing a confused-looking teenage boy to bend over and be sodomised. We later see the boy crying and running away, but what the older man was really doing was - er, um, well, wooing the boy to be his lover. (Of course, in today's context, we call it "gay rape.")

Indeed, a famous tale in Greek mythology is the story of Zeus (who is the highest and most powerful of all Greek Gods) flying down from heaven as a giant eagle to kidnap Ganymede - supposedly the most beautiful boy on earth - to ravish him!

Unfortunately, the reason why male youths were so valued was that Greek society was a misogynistic one. Men viewed women as the mothers of their children and keepers of their households. But only a young, handsome and intelligent man was seen as truly worthy companion to a famous, older man. Thus, many accomplished poets, writers and philosophers - for instance, Aristotle (who is played by Christopher Plummer in Alexander) - were attracted almost exclusively to teenage boys.

(Is it any wonder then, that some of our best poets, playwrights, painters, fashion designers, architects and chefs today are gay? It's tradition, darling, tradition!)

Oliver Stone isn't gay, however. Too bad, but Fridae salutes him nonetheless for achieving greater historical accuracy with Alexander, than Troy ever aspired to. We'll certainly remember Oliver, Colin and Alexander in our gay anals of history - er, we mean, annals of history.

Tired of reading historical facts? Turn to next page for Fridae's exclusive fantasy interview with Colin Farrell.

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Fantasy Interview With Colin Farrell

Editor's note: As Fridae wasn't able to send our writer to Hollywood to interview Colin Farrell, we've asked him to dream up his own interview with Colin. It's better this way since, in real interviews with American magazines and newspapers, Colin's been saying the same damn tragic thing - that he's "not gay."

Well, we queers love to indulge in fantasies anyway - our lives would otherwise be unliveable - so we present you our fantasy interview with Colin as the toga-loving, mascara-wearing flameboy.

æ: Colin, this is the second gay film you've made this year. First, there was A Home At The End Of The World, and now, there's Alexander. Are you gay? Be honest for once.

Colin: Well, since this a fantasy interview, and nothing I say here should be taken seriously, I can say for the record that in all honesty, yes, I am gay.

æ: What attracted you to the Alexander script?

Colin: Well firstly, I get to wear these tiny sandals and togas that show off my hairy, muscular thighs to full effect. And as Alexander the Great, I also get to command vast armies of fit young men standing at attention with superlong spears.

æ: Wow! Lucky you! Were you also attracted to the script because you get to, um, cross swords with Jared Leto as your lover?

Colin: Yeah man, Jared sealed the deal for me. You know, when that pretty boy wears mascara on the set, he looks just like a girl. Aw shucks... you're making me blush... now I'm red, er hem, all over...

æ: Oh behaaaavee.... Looking at the film now, is there anything in the movie that you would have done differently?

Colin: I wished they had made my toga slightly shorter so the audience could see more of my hairy bubble butt.

æ: We wished that too! You had to deal with so many animals in the movie, from snakes to horses to elephants. But you never looked afraid of them, especially the snakes. You are sooooo manly...

Colin: No, I love snakes. They're very phallic. I also get to stroke these long pythons that would just go on forever... It's also nice to have something long slithering about my face. It's a real turn-on, you know.

æ: What about the last climactic scene, where you were attacked by rampaging elephants? Weren't you just a little afraid?

Colin: No man, I love elephants and other kinds of pachyderms like rhinos - they remind me of my foreskin. I'm from Ireland, so I'm not cut. And seriously, the sensation is better when you're not cut.

æ: Oh yeah, we think so too. Speaking of cut, what's with the girly, blonde haircut in the movie?

Colin: What, you don't like it? I modelled it after Madonna during her Vogue/Blonde Ambition years. I've always wanted to be Madonna because, you know, she's loves to try on different images and she gets to sleep with so many men.

Sigh... she doesn't deserve that sexy devil, Guy Ritchie - I do! Guy, are you reading this? I love you... Guy...? Why did you marry an American woman, Guy? We Englishmen and Irishmen should keep it in the family. Guy, you should have married me, an Irishman...