Straight(ish), Gay, or Bi-Curious - We all want to have a great relationship but some of us just don't know how to keep one. Here are some common mistakes Gay men make in relationships.
This article was originally published by guyspy.com, you can read the original article here.
1. Open Relationships: While we may want to live interesting and experimental lives, the biggest mistake a Gay couple can make is having an open one. You would assume that what you have is enough to make it work, but when you feel like you need more than what you have, it borders problems. You and your partner risk the trouble of falling in love with someone else, having chemistry he might prefer over yours, or risk putting the whole relationship out to dry. While threesomes may be a bit more optional, Open relationships just don’t seem to be the way to go about things and is probably the number one reason Gay relationships don’t work. Sometimes when a relationship doesn’t work its time to move on. Don’t recycle something you’re not going to use again and use OPEN as an excuse.
2. Neediness: A common relationship mistake Gay men make is attaching themselves too much and too quickly. Even twins born together have their own ways of being independent. It is not your partner’s fault if you have had issues in the past with other people or family and it is not his job to pick up the pieces. While there is nothing wrong with loving hard, a Gay man must always learn to have his own voice, his own identity and his own life. If you worry too much about latching on, you run the risk of pushing your partner away.
3. Arguing: No relationship is perfect, and we all argue and disagree sooner or later. But arguing about everything can be very toxic. Stop using excuses about how “Strong” & “Independent” you are to win a fight. Respect boundaries, respect each other and respect space and opinions. While he may not say everything you want to hear, learn to listen and learn to understand. After all, you picked him right? Don’t say anything you’re going to regret later. Sometimes words hurt more than sticks and stones and sometimes saying things in the heat of the moment can result in losing someone you truly love. If it’s not important, let it go. If it’s something you can’t control, learn to vocalize your concerns and learn to keep it to the point. If you are hitting a brick wall, analyze your relationship and make a decision whether he is right for you. But never destroy your relationship with words.
4. Being With Someone For Comfort (Money, Favors, Apartment) While there is no problem moving in with your boyfriend or sharing an account or money, there is a fine line between sharing and taking more than he wants to give. Don’t get in a relationship because you need stability and he’s your safety net. Learn to work for your own, earn your own and have your own things. There’s nothing worse than having a break-Up and you having to be out on the street because everything belongs to him. While some men may seem amazing at first, you quickly find out they may be using you as well. Be with someone because you love them, not because they can give you something of luxury.
5. Going to the club together: While many may disagree, this is probably the most common mistake a Gay man can make. A club is never a place to spend quality time with your boyfriend. While it may seem innocent and fun, Clubs involve alcohol and a bunch of hot guys (depending on what club you go to). And while you may say that your eyes are only for him, and his for you, there is a lot of distraction and a lot of men who are not afraid to flirt hardcore. Some men go to clubs just to find a man to fuck. If you are not there to hook up do not pretend like its for the music. Unfortunately, in the Gay community there are people who don’t respect what you have and while its all about trust, I don’t think you want to complicate it by having a guy shake his ass in front of you. A small bar or a more loungy upscale place is more convenient. You don’t have to worry about going to the bathroom and leaving your camera phone on.
6. Putting Your Relationship Status on FB: You might be that guy who feels like your boyfriend should definitely change his relationship status on FB to prove his love, but this may harm you more than it works for you. Why? Because you or your boyfriend may notice that your friend requests keep growing only because people want to know who this guy is. Some guys don’t care and will hit on your boyfriend even if it says In Relationship. Don’t ask me why they’re like this, but its a fact. Also, you may get upset when these sudden mutual friends leave innuendos or comments on your boyfriends timeline, assuming your stupid enough not to notice. While anyone would assume its all about trust, like the club, some men just have no respect or dignity. Some men are more attracted to what they can’t have or will do things to spite you. So prepare yourself. Sometimes its better to just not put up a relationship status to begin with and just trust your partner. Its up to you.
7. Not Allowing Your Boyfriend To Go Out With Friends: You’re his boyfriend not his master. The biggest mistake a Gay man can do is think he can control his boyfriend. While a lot of Gay couples don’t mind being on a leash and it works for them, some people just need space. This is where trust really comes in. If you feel like you can’t trust your boyfriend enough with any of his friends, then he’s not for you. A good boyfriend is suppose to make you feel secure and know that he is there for you not because you’re around. Same thing with Passwords and emails. If you can’t trust your boyfriend you don’t deserve him. He’s his own person and whether you like it or not, we’re in the real world. Unlike the club where you’re in a close capacity to horny drunk men, the world is full of different people, not all out to get your man. Learn to trust and to live your own life as well. Some things you can do together and some apart.
1. Open Relationships: While we may want to live interesting and experimental lives, the biggest mistake a Gay couple can make is having an open one. You would assume that what you have is enough to make it work, but when you feel like you need more than what you have, it borders problems. You and your partner risk the trouble of falling in love with someone else, having chemistry he might prefer over yours, or risk putting the whole relationship out to dry. While threesomes may be a bit more optional, Open relationships just don’t seem to be the way to go about things and is probably the number one reason Gay relationships don’t work. Sometimes when a relationship doesn’t work its time to move on. Don’t recycle something you’re not going to use again and use OPEN as an excuse.
2. Neediness: A common relationship mistake Gay men make is attaching themselves too much and too quickly. Even twins born together have their own ways of being independent. It is not your partner’s fault if you have had issues in the past with other people or family and it is not his job to pick up the pieces. While there is nothing wrong with loving hard, a Gay man must always learn to have his own voice, his own identity and his own life. If you worry too much about latching on, you run the risk of pushing your partner away.
3. Arguing: No relationship is perfect, and we all argue and disagree sooner or later. But arguing about everything can be very toxic. Stop using excuses about how “Strong” & “Independent” you are to win a fight. Respect boundaries, respect each other and respect space and opinions. While he may not say everything you want to hear, learn to listen and learn to understand. After all, you picked him right? Don’t say anything you’re going to regret later. Sometimes words hurt more than sticks and stones and sometimes saying things in the heat of the moment can result in losing someone you truly love. If it’s not important, let it go. If it’s something you can’t control, learn to vocalize your concerns and learn to keep it to the point. If you are hitting a brick wall, analyze your relationship and make a decision whether he is right for you. But never destroy your relationship with words.
4. Being With Someone For Comfort (Money, Favors, Apartment) While there is no problem moving in with your boyfriend or sharing an account or money, there is a fine line between sharing and taking more than he wants to give. Don’t get in a relationship because you need stability and he’s your safety net. Learn to work for your own, earn your own and have your own things. There’s nothing worse than having a break-Up and you having to be out on the street because everything belongs to him. While some men may seem amazing at first, you quickly find out they may be using you as well. Be with someone because you love them, not because they can give you something of luxury.
5. Going to the club together: While many may disagree, this is probably the most common mistake a Gay man can make. A club is never a place to spend quality time with your boyfriend. While it may seem innocent and fun, Clubs involve alcohol and a bunch of hot guys (depending on what club you go to). And while you may say that your eyes are only for him, and his for you, there is a lot of distraction and a lot of men who are not afraid to flirt hardcore. Some men go to clubs just to find a man to fuck. If you are not there to hook up do not pretend like its for the music. Unfortunately, in the Gay community there are people who don’t respect what you have and while its all about trust, I don’t think you want to complicate it by having a guy shake his ass in front of you. A small bar or a more loungy upscale place is more convenient. You don’t have to worry about going to the bathroom and leaving your camera phone on.
6. Putting Your Relationship Status on FB: You might be that guy who feels like your boyfriend should definitely change his relationship status on FB to prove his love, but this may harm you more than it works for you. Why? Because you or your boyfriend may notice that your friend requests keep growing only because people want to know who this guy is. Some guys don’t care and will hit on your boyfriend even if it says In Relationship. Don’t ask me why they’re like this, but its a fact. Also, you may get upset when these sudden mutual friends leave innuendos or comments on your boyfriends timeline, assuming your stupid enough not to notice. While anyone would assume its all about trust, like the club, some men just have no respect or dignity. Some men are more attracted to what they can’t have or will do things to spite you. So prepare yourself. Sometimes its better to just not put up a relationship status to begin with and just trust your partner. Its up to you.
7. Not Allowing Your Boyfriend To Go Out With Friends: You’re his boyfriend not his master. The biggest mistake a Gay man can do is think he can control his boyfriend. While a lot of Gay couples don’t mind being on a leash and it works for them, some people just need space. This is where trust really comes in. If you feel like you can’t trust your boyfriend enough with any of his friends, then he’s not for you. A good boyfriend is suppose to make you feel secure and know that he is there for you not because you’re around. Same thing with Passwords and emails. If you can’t trust your boyfriend you don’t deserve him. He’s his own person and whether you like it or not, we’re in the real world. Unlike the club where you’re in a close capacity to horny drunk men, the world is full of different people, not all out to get your man. Learn to trust and to live your own life as well. Some things you can do together and some apart.
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Reader's Comments
I am not talking about talking to him on social networks like twitter throughout the day. Or, leaving emails every moment of the day. You should be talking to your bf daily, face-to-face. And, not just about sex and romantic things. If you are serious about one another, you should learn everything there is about each other. Your bf should be one of the few people you can discuss the "third rail" topics with such as religion and politics. If you are living together, you should be talking about money, budgets, bills. You should be talking about housekeeping projects and maintaining a home together. You should do more than just "pillow talk". You should develop a line of communication that is clear, understandable, and mutual.
Thaks both of you
Of course we had disputes and things to resolve, but this is an integral part of any relationship (just as love and sharing wonderful things). You cannot avoid it and have to grow your tolerance and understanding, I completely agree on this point.
Every relationship is unique and this kind of experience is not prone to synthetyzing or statistizing. Sharing a personal experience is much more interesting and humble than giving lectures like this. I don't like the "This is the biggest mistake" way the author is lecturing us.
Granted, not all relationships are created equal. And, not all gay men are the same. If an "open" relationship worked for you, that is great. But, many gay men have serious trust issues in their lives and in their partners. At least in America. I do disagree with the gay club part of the article. I think that was a bit over the top. I understand his thinking. But, to say it is one of the top 7 issues would not be correct in my book.
i made 4 out of 7 mistakes :) i learned a lot from that.
nashboroguy, smart comment :) two thumbs up :)
Love = Selfish, anything around it it's management of it, including expectation management.
Commitments = boundaries. Biggest problem in Open Relationship is the conditioned inability to experience romantic love again, and constantly blocking/immunise yourself against falling in love which is the very same reason why the relationship open in the first place.
Socialise as a couple is healthy but why must it be a gay bars? I guess deniability comes into play and gay men are just so good at that. Cultivating authenticity is so important especially to the gay men.
I wonder why insecurity/self-victimisation isn't part of the biggest problem faced in the gay world especially when it comes to relationship. To me, insecurity seems to be the biggest disease sweeping the gay men world, if not general society.
Generally I agree with this article. But again, every relationship is different and so does everyone, communication and constantly setting and agree to boundaries will produce a trusting enjoyable relationship.
That's what our relationship was about, and more.
We didn't pool our resources, but he did end up borrowing from me to get things he wanted now rather than save up. At first he felt guilty about it, but eventually it became habit and when I told him point-blank that if we hoped to achieve any of the dreams we wanted (like our own house) we had to start being prudent, he turned around and accused me of being calculative and became very defensive.
More than once I found evidence of him cheating, and I'm the kind of guy who can swallow it if you own up and try to work it out with me - go for a blood test and all. Unfortunately, he insisted he didn't do anything, and instead called me out for looking for a reason to breakup.
At some point I got fed up and did - he was crying his eyes out and all that but suddenly he just snapped out of it and called me all sorts of things, and being very self-righteous about his point of view. Seeing him like that, it was as if a spell on me had been broken - I suddenly saw what this was all REALLY about.
Right to the point (s), Matt06sg - Thank you.
Mens sana in corpore sano !
I dont deny its bored eating the same noodles everyday, but who ask you to eat everyday?hardly for me to believe a successful long lasting relationship in between without eat other meal than Noodles.lol
Everyone has their personal understanding of "relationship", "love", and what it takes to build a successful relationship. If 2 people get together who believe in the same things, that's called compatibility .If you haven't talked about it, then you're not in a relationship. Be honest with each other, talk things out, communicate your wants, desires and expectations.
2. Neediness: Absolutely no-no unless it’s a sugar daddy kinda relationship.
3. Arguing: A pinch is enough but always make it up with hot sex.
4. Being With Someone For Comfort: Yeah, baby! Everyone needs it once in awhile. Just don’t overdo it. If money and material possession is comforting, then it’s another one of those sugar daddy kinda relationship. Nothing wrong about as long as both parties agree to the terms.
5. Going To The Club Together: No, no, no, nope! It’s like going to massages together. Unless both parties agree that one party is allowed to have too much fun; it’s best to avoid doing this altogether. Misery loves company. Ecstasy loves more company - more the merrier.
6. Putting Your Relationship Status On FB: Unless it’s a website for F**kBuddy, then don’t do it. It’s like staking a claim to a human being. We know you’re in the relationship so don’t push it on us who are still looking. It’s also drama mama to have your domestic news in my timeline. But do post some raunchy pics or vids of you both or him with another guy.
7. Not Allowing Your Boyfriend To Go Out With Friends: This is not the Dark Ages. Slavery is not nice. Unless it’s a BDSM, treat your guy with love and respect. Vice versa. Although it is puzzling whenever guys who are in a relationship kept sending me messages wanting to be my ‘friend’ or stating that they’re looking for friends only. Harlow? By sending me messages, it gave me a perception that all is not rosy with the bf. So stopped making new friends at dating websites and treasure your existing ones.
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