Fridae

You hid your attraction for her for the longest time. It has been months and although you've not told her how you felt, you've showered her with affection and attention and she is doing the same for you.

She always sends you SMS, and they're not spam, they're personal messages. She often chats with you on the phone and you talk about yourselves, your fears, crushes, loves, failures and even the simplest things like how the moon is so beautiful in the dawn as it sinks down and disappears in the sunlight.

It must be kept a secret. Even though you are single, available and ready to commit to her, she is way out of your league. It's hard to love someone who's straight, isn't it? It's even harder to love someone who's not only hetero but below legal age. The only consolation you probably have is the fact that she knows and is well aware of 'what' you are and that she accepts that.

Knowing the problems with this kind of love, you try to distract yourself as often as possible. You attempt to think of her less, you attempt to avoid her calls and you avoid meeting her. But your attempts are futile and you end up being always by her side at every moment she calls your name.

She is in the age of sweetness, so affectionate and so warm that you are drawn to her out of loneliness and a feeling of incompleteness. You know that this age does not last and soon she too will be swamped with serious problems in life and you will be together less, and she will have her own life while you may end up stuck in her past dimension of youth.

You never expect her to reciprocate your love but secretly you hope that someday she will. It is a desire of yours to one day hold and kiss her like a lover but rational thinking takes over the matters of impossible love and you are reminded that it won't happen, it will never happen.

You hide your attractions because you don't want to lose her, she must not know the truth about you else she will disappear so fast that you won't even have time to take a good last look at her young face.

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One day you'll have to tell her. And that may be the day when you will see her for the last time. It may go several ways, she may cry, breakdown and accuse you of taking advantage of your friendship but inside it may cause her an even deeper pain.

You do not know what to expect when the day comes that you'll have to tell her and explain why you've always remained single, or why you were afraid to commit to anyone, and why you just weren't interested in the gorgeous women who fell at your feet.

"Maybe when she gets older," you think. It may be the right time to tell her. But you have little time now and she won't stay very long. Still, thoughts of keeping it to yourself linger about and you believe that it may be better to keep mum and wait for these feelings to go away. They will go away all right, but you will never have the chance to feel the anxiety, excitement or suspense of actually expressing how you feel in words.

You will not have the chance to feel that thrill and the pounding of your heart as you slowly but surely tell her that you are in love with her. There will be no memory of how your bared your heart and soul to a person you loved so much, only a memory of silence will exist and many thoughts wondering what could've happened if you said something.

Time will run out and it is always best to be honest and sincere about feelings. She is going away and you may never see her again. The truth about you must be told for on that day she leaves you, there will be no turning back or there may be no post romance but there is a slight chance that she may just tell you how she's kept the truth about her.

Fire is a twenty-something writer-entrepreneur who's also one of the founders of INDIGO Philippines. You can reach her thru firewomyn@iname.com