Fridae

There comes a time when one has to make a choice. To persevere or to pass, to seek the dream or to settle for reality.

No, I'm not talking about those "life-changing" moments. I'm talking about that guy you've been eyeing all night, debating with yourself whether or not you're gonna be able to get into his pants. And I'm talking about the inevitable choices that face you every time you go cruising.

You've probably experienced the cycle. You're in a bar, trying to catch the eye of some guy you like, who's too busy trying to catch the attention of some little slut oozing up some muscleboy's arm. Or maybe you spot a likely looking hunk who exchanges eye contact with you, and you spend the next two hours following him around, risking being mistaken for a stalker. Or maybe you head down to the local "cruise zone" hoping to find the man of your dreams, and end up walking home alone at 4am with sore feet instead of other appendages you'd preferred to have exercised.

Now, I'm sure there are some people out there who don't have problems. They spot the perfect guy they want, they make their move, they head home for some fun and games. Good for you. You don't need any advice, go out there and break more hearts.

But for those people who start cruising but often end up disappointed, well, maybe you need to work on your approach. Expectations can be dangerous, so maybe you need to be a little more realistic with them.

I used to spend a lot of time with a friend in Singapore, who, after spending the whole night preening in one of the gay joints in town, would pop down to the infamous Ann Siang Hill (read: dark alleys and guys loitering around) after the bars closed at 3am to try his luck. More often than not, he'd finally head home at sunrise, dejected and alone. Not that he was hideous or deformed in some way, it's just that he expected too much.

Mistake #1: He's gotta be perfect
Like many gay men, he suffered from the insane desire or need for perfection. Not Adonis-like perfection, but a perfect match with his own tastes.

Whether you like them slim, chubby, muscular, femme, pretty, butch, hung, etc, shouldn't be the bottomline. You're not gonna find Mr Right in some dark back alley, but maybe, if you realise that you're just here to indulge your itch, and that everyone else here is doing the same, just maybe, you'll be able to find Mr Right-for-tonight.

Fact is, you're looking for a lay, not a lifepartner. Cruising, by its very nature, is really about casual sex. Don't expect too much from it. But don't get me wrong.

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I'm not saying that you should completely forget your standards and settle for a dog. But if you meet someone who looks pleasant, but he's got a tummy, or he's not all that muscular, or he can't talk about art and music with you, just close one eye and go for it. You never know, he might be closing one eye too.

Mistake #2: He's gorgeous, I want him
Honey, if he's truly heart stoppingly, panty-droppingly gorgeous, like an angel straight out of porn heaven, he's probably not going to be interested in you. Not only will you have to deal with attitude, there's also a pretty good chance that he's either spoken for, or is the pet of some rich old man. Unless you're a magnificent beauty queen yourself, set your sight on more mortal goals.

Not that I blame you. Window shopping and craving for the best is probably one of the most hallowed gay principles. But you know, deep down inside, that while that gorgeous solitaire bellybutton ring would look simply lovely on you, you'll never really get to wear it. So, too, with that stunning guy who'd look lovely in your bed.

However, if you can make yourself settle for zirconium, you'll likely get something that is within your reach. And that you won't feel too bad about ditching the morning after, too.

Mistake #3: Friendly means "Fuck Me"
The guy you've been eyeing meets your stare, but doesn't make a move. But he doesn't look hostile. Ever so often, you catch him checking if you're still looking at him. You feel your hopes rise. Or maybe you smile at someone cute on the bus, and they smile back. You feel the urge to switch seats to the one next to him.

Part of the art of cruising is knowing when someone is really interested. Someone who keeps checking on whether you're watching likely isn't interested - they're just flattered by the attention. I guess the key to managing situations like this is, to keep your hopes in check. There's a fine line between optimism and desperation, and we all have to learn to divine the difference.

Give him your best "I want you" look, put on your most attractive and available pose, but keep your head clear - and you'll probably be ok. If you get lucky, then great. If not, well, at least you managed to get some practise.

Mistake #4: What would my friends say?
Have you ever spotted a prospect, pointed him out to a friend or bitch buddy, and gotten a sneer and an "Eeeeeew" from them? Which, of course, forced you to switch to some other target?

Well, here's a little tip. You're the one who's trying to get laid, not them. Don't let the opinions of your friends dictate the success or failure of your sex life. If this guys seems acceptable by your standards, stop diddling around and go for it.

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Stop worrying about the snide comments you expect to be bombarded with the next day should you be seen walking out of the bar or into a convenient toilet with the guy you chose. After all, what're a few barbs and catty remarks among friends? However, it also helps to note down all the dogs they've had before, so you can conveniently remind them and shut them up.

SERIOUS Mistake: One life, one lifetime
It probably doesn't bear mentioning, but I felt that we all need a reminder. In the cruising arena, very little is truly permanent. Just because you had a great night of playing pin the tail in the donkey doesn't necessarily mean the start of a beautiful relationship. It just means you had good chemistry for one night.

Don't give him your phone number unless he asks for it (but a simple, would you like my number, is permitted), don't ask him what breed of dog he'd prefer for your future home, and don't offer him a toothbrush to use (unless you'd like to kiss him before he leaves. Usually, you won't want to, now that you've seen him under better lighting.)

Some great partnerships can develop out of one-night stands, but for the most part, they're few and far between. It's safer to assume that a romp in the hay mean just that, and nothing more. Sadly, in the gay world we live in, once lucky often means twice lonely.

Get Real
What all this really boils down to is, be realistic with what you want and what you are likely to get. I remember an old MTV countdown show, where the host would always mention his catchphrase "Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars."

All of us dream, and that's perfectly normal. But when you're dreaming of sinking your teeth into a prime cut from the local gay meat market, it may help to step back and re-evaluate what you're really looking for. A burger may do just fine to satisfy your craving.

Given the likelihood that you're gonna be out cruising again pretty soon, you might just get your sirloin steak the next night. Take what you can today, and look for something better tomorrow. It's the same old argument about quantity over quality, except that the selection keeps changing. Part of the strategy to getting your needs met is simply knowing when to say, "nope, this isn't going to happen" and just moving on to the next likely prospect.

Remember, if you're really just looking for a nice, wonderful guy for a serious, joint bank account type relationship, then hell, you're in the wrong place, girlfriend.

Go hang out at a museum or something.