My first boyfriend died of AIDS about two years after we broke up. I found out about it more than a year after his death, of all times and places, during the 1st Singapore AIDS conference in 1998, when a mutual friend, a Taiwanese representative to the conference, asked me out to lunch, and dropped the bomb shell.
Immediately after that, a wave of sadness came over me. Naturally I was sad because someone I knew and was close to had died. But underneath that was an even deeper sadness. It was hard to articulate why I was so sad, but it was very clear what the sadness did. It made me totally incapable of being angry with him. My boyfriend at that time was livid. He thought it was utterly irresponsible for my ex to hide his HIV status from me. I could have been infected.
He was right. But all I wanted to do, was to gather all the photographs I had of him, put them into an album, and look at them anew, wondering what he was thinking and feeling at those times, smiling into the camera with me by his side, and knowing his days were numbered.
Why didn't he tell me the truth about his HIV status? He was a medical doctor. He kept telling all our mutual gay friends to get tested. He taught me all about safe sex when I first came out. So why couldn't he tell me he was positive?
I will never know the answer. But I can guess. Would I have entered into a relationship with him if I had known this when we first met? To be perfectly honest, no. Hell no! AIDS to me then, in the early 90s was something that happened in San Francisco. It was something remote. That did not mean I didn't take precautions, but it did mean I never thought it possible that someone I knew could be HIV+. If he had told me, I would probably have freaked out. And I guess he knew that too.
Perhaps you can now understand why I was so sad. The stigma of HIV was so great that he could not even share it with someone he loved. What was it like for him, to keep this secret in order to have some semblance of normality in his life? And I, together with the Taiwanese society at that time, contributed to his need for secrecy.
It was very difficult to come to grips with this: I was stunned to realise years later that I was stigmatising my own boyfriend.
It is especially hard for gay men to grapple with AIDS because people still think that AIDS is a gay disease. But the more we try to dissociate from it, the more it haunts us like an evil spirit. Truth is, we cannot fight homophobia without fighting stigma against HIV. One stigma feeds off the other. AIDS has been used to discredit gay people just as homophobia has been used to discriminate against people living with HIV/AIDS.
And stigmas, like taboos, are often hidden. Imagine a society who in reality is homophobic but will not admit it, preferring to think of itself as morally superior instead. They will say no, we talk about the gays openly, we are not anti-gay, just don't hold hands in front of the kids. But we, on the receiving end, can all decipher the don't-come-too-close-to-me grammar of "the gays" and the convenience of hiding behind "the kids."
We are just as guilty when it comes to folks who are HIV+. We know they exist, we talk about HIV every so often, but we would rather not have them come too close. How do you think our fellow gay HIV+ men feel when they decipher our hidden stigmatisation towards them?
I remember a moment in a play that The Necessary Stage did with Paddy Chew, the only person in Singapore who has ever come out as HIV+. During the Question and Answer segment in the middle of the play, a member of the audience asked: "help me understand you, what can I do to help?" That was a magical moment. It was a moment when Paddy the actor on stage stopped being the emasculated symbol of AIDS, a promiscuous gay man, an object for observation, but became a person with feelings and needs, foibles and strengths, deserving of respect, understanding and compassion - just like everyone else.
Stigmatisation runs the full gamut from very subtle to rabidly hysterical. For hysterical, try rabidly anti-gay televangelist Jerry Falwell: "AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals." For subtle stigmatisation, what I did was a good example. At its core, stigmatisation is selfish indifference to human suffering: it's your own fault, so stay away from me. Contrast that to: help me understand, what can I do to help?
As sexual minorities, we are well acquainted with stigmatisation. Let's not do it to others. Few of us are hysterical, but many of us stigmatise PLWHA so subtly that we are not even aware of it ourselves. We can do better.
John Manzon-Santos, Executive Director of the San Francisco-based Asian & Pacific Islander Wellness Center, gave me this idea and I would like to share it with you. If you already know someone who is HIV+, come out about him/her to your friends and family. Tell them about your HIV+ friend and help them see your friend as a person. From you, they will learn compassion and understanding rather than recoil as a way to relate to people who are HIV+. If you don't know anyone who is positive, go and volunteer at your local HIV/AIDS organisation and soon, you too will have a HIV+ friend. If you feel coming out as gay or lesbian was hard, imagine how much harder it is to come out as HIV+. There is no need to wait for another Paddy Chew, or for the government to change its mind. How much longer do you want your friends to be living under such a heavy stigma? Do something about it today.
Dr Tan Chong Kee holds a Ph.D. in Chinese Literature from Stanford University in the United States and is one of Singapore's best-known figures in civil society activism.
打印版本
RSS Feed: 
读者回应
i think it is not the virus that the hiv positive people feel the most. it's the stigmatisation that brings them most pain and hurt.
but please dont ask me how i would react if i ever knew a hiv positive person. but, surely it will be a fact that this person has been my friend, and will always be somehow part of my social circle. that is something i have to learn and accept.
Having known and interacted with HIV+ people, I do know it provides them a sigh of relief that there are people who do not regard them as disease-carriers or stigmatise them further. Having known HIV+ patients is one thing but to have one's friend diagnosed as HIV+ rendered me (who have seen a lot of results come back as positive) speechless.
Perhaps what I should add is that stigmatisation comes from a certain degree of fear and being ignorant of the virus (and disease progression). The people, generally, the masses should educate themselves more about it. It is difficult for the medical community to come forward all the time, to push for greater understanding. Like what the article says, do something about it.
I am active with disabled children and I see with care and love, they are able to lead a meaningful life. I am never embarass to walk with them, take them to movies etc although the society looks at us as outcast coz these kids are not normal. What is normal?
The writer's bf is so courages, living with AIDS and going through alone. If someone that he cares was in fact there for him, I am sure that he will still be alive. Statistics shows about 10% with AIDS die (excluding Africa) as compared to 50% with lung cancer would die within 2 years.
Take a bold step, the next time when someone tells you that he is HIV+, don't shy away. If you truly love him, be there for him. Love him even more. Love is the best medicine although it is not a cure. Why wait? One man can make a different.
I guess Dr Tan is searching for some answers on his own. Dr Tan, the way I see it all your concerns over "Was he feeling stigmatized by me?" questions marks can be further explored by writing a 'what if' article entitled "My boyfriend died of AIDS and he POZed me"
Would you feel the same Dr. Tan? I guess by then, the question of stigma or no stigma would have dropped way down the list of priorities.
The way I see it, he was absolutely selfish, unless of course your relationship was truly 100% platonic. He was absolutely selfish for putting you in high risk.
Fate or Karma? or Both?
I also agree with 1555confide, that one should respect other people's right to privacy? Did you think he woulda agreed to have his tragedy cronicled on Fridae?
But then again, I absolutely think you have the 110% f*cking right after living 2 years with someone with a fatal communicable syndrome.
If you agree to sexual acts that you know are high risk, then you'd better make sure the reward is worth it.
Research has shown that we'd better not brush our teeth or use mouthwash shortly before and after oral sex. This is because brushing our teeth can cause gum-bleeding which may increase the chance of infection. Mouth rinsing is not a good idea either. Mouth wash can kill the substances in our saliva that inhibits HIV virus getting into our bloodstream.
Stay safe everyone!!!
Take care
And a quick note about taking responsibility: try changing the "he Poz-ed me" way of thinking to "I chose not to use a condom and got infected." My health is my own responsibility, not someone else's.
I must thanks all my close friends and love ones for supporting me when i broke the news to them, they handled it well and all have been there for me.
We(POZ) cant go around telling everyone about our health status. It is still a stigma to talk about it here in Asia.
The Singapore Govt doesnt talk much about it and condemned those living with HIV/AIDS especially foreigners who are working in the republic. I was banned from entering as i got tested when i was getting my work permit done. This is not a bird flu! We dont spread the virus in the air!
For those who have become complacent and bought into the illusion of 'invincibility' and 'invulnerability' when indulging in high-risk behaviour, please think twice and reconsider your position.
Regardless of one's HIV status, the practice of safer sex should be everyone's default modus operandi, just like the way one instinctively looks out for on-coming cars before crossing the road... Take care, all!
I have learnt so much from friends who are HIV+ about life, love and many other things. I've learnt a lot since my own diagnosis. Not least about what HIV really means in 2006.
It was almost easier (in a terrible way) when many of us who got the virus got visibly sick and died, sometimes in a few years. Now for many, but sadly not all, HIV infection is a manageable disease - although still difficult.
"Please, please, please be safe," is what HIV+ friends are saying, "you really don't want this condition." But I also want to tell you all that I am going to live to be old and don't plan on checking out any time soon! When I look at the fantastic health care and drugs (at least in Europe, where I live) I know this is a realistic hope. We only seem to hear about those who are dying with AIDS. Why don't more of those who are living with HIV want to be open? Everyone could learn so much.
HIV is not as far away as you imagine. About 10 percent of gay men in big cities like London are HIV+. In a place like Taiwan, an anonymous survey found that about 7 percent of gay sauna users were HIV+. Do you think it's likely to be much less in Singapore?
Less drama, more solid information. Less drama, more compassion. Less victim-talk from the (so far) unaffected, more reality. Less stigma, more openness - better for all of us!
God, I'm tired of HIV-negative (so far as they know) drama queens!
Since then the number of friends or new friends that I have made with HIV has grown.
With many of them it has been the result of one night of unprotected sex-something that for me anyway has reinforced the safer sex message.
The main thing that I would like to emphasise
though is that they are and always will be my friends . How can we shun someone for catching a disease. Would we shun a friend with cancer? How many of us have found ourseleves at a STD clinic at some point in our lives?
Do we condemn people for what could have been one little mistake -I don't think we can. People with HIV deserve our support in the gay community. God knows its tough enough being gay in a straight world , but gay people with HIV have an added burden to cope to with and therefore we should be there to give that support.
After looking after HIV patients all these years,one have to ensure that one looked beyond oneself before we take car of others.
Poonie
really great story - I have HIV and I know too many of my friends in particular GAM who have passed away and still the stigma & discrimination lives on. THey are afraid to share with their friends and there is a real lack of awareness and willingness to talk openly and realistically about what is a very real and present problem for our communities particularly in Asia where being gay is already often a label most people cannot come to terms with.
We need to create more opportunities for open diallogue and talk more about the issues that HIV impacts on us.
HIV is not a crime neither if treated early and approporaitly is it a death sentence - we should all look out for one another - practice safe and fun sex and know more about the transmission of HIV and how to support our friends who are living with it day in and day out
thanks
Greg
with people that i know... i always stress the point to have safe sex... in fact i know a friend who has regular casual sex and he also told me that he has had unprotected sex with people on a few occasions and i really advised him not to do so...
if you know anyone who does that... please advise them otherwise!!!
a few months ago... i read an article somewhere before and it might have been on fridae or somewhere else that it seems that more people in western countries or developed countries are having unprotected sex because now there are better treatments for hiv patients that allow them to live up to 20 to 30 years instead of the old 8 years life limit in the past. A lot of people think that because of this, it's ok to catch hiv... please do not have this thought... take good care of yourself and practice safe sex and do not shun other people living with hiv just because they are positive...
just want to mention another issue regarding transvestite or cross dressers... cos it seems that some of my gay friends that i know of, i've asked them before if they would be friends with a transvestite or a cross dresser and they seem to be quite reluctant about the idea... look!!! if you are to judge other people by who they are, do not blame anyone if they judge you because you are gay... it's same thing with being racist... some chinese thinks that westerners are racist but i have seen themselves being racist towards malays or indians or anyone else... so... what's the point??? it's the same thing with what happened in indonesia... a lot of my friends would ask me if any of the australians are racist(ps. i used to live in melbourne) but hey stop asking that questions when you yourself is being racist towards other people. Sometimes it's easy to pinpoint the blame to others and not reflect on ourselves... should always put ourselves in other people's position and wonder what they feel if we react to them in a certain way.... be it they are hiv+, gay, straight lesbian, transvestite, cross-dressers, people of a diff colour, we are all the same and we have feelings and emotions and we get hurt when other people treat us differently.....
so please people.... think before you act!
thanks
o ya and yes, u can transmit viruses and diseases via oral sex so dun think that ORAL SEX IS SAFE!!!
Hey, wake up, Mr. P.Minister, it's year 2006 and not 10 year ago ya,
All human beings have the rights to get a better attention of Medication .
Practise SAFER sex, which means condoms everything including oral sex (which transmit HIV 1/10000)
Go into a chatroom and see who wants "chem" sex and who is willing to "bare back"...plenty of stupid people around
This aint the West nor even the rest of Asia, HIV medication is not free
However, on the good news front, HIV is not a fatal or terminal illness
Diagnose early, get treated when you need to, and take your medication for life...and you will die from old age
Be gay, and be safe
We are the first volunteer group who providing HIV counseling and direct services to Asian and Pacific Islanders in SF. Wellness center is the off spring of our group. We are still very proud of it.
Until you meet someone with HIV or AIDS, or help someone with the disability, you will not learn to apprecaited life in a deeper sense. You will never take friendship and life for granted. Trust me, I have been there and done that. Please volunteer and try to be friended with someone that is effected by the HIV. it is great chance to learn and enrich your life. Play safe and play hard.
john sharp
The sad truth is that there are alot of HIV infected guys in Singapore who go to Bangkok to afford cheaper medications and treatment to avoid detection and being traced. The sadder truth is alot more cannot afford it and are having unsafe sex in drug parties and dun even care. I know quite a few of them are positive and they go to gyms and parties and look normal and they engage in group fun frequently.
There's alot of anger in draconian Singapore concerning being gay and the right to be treated and respected as a citizen. Alot rebel. They do it in many ways, ways that will eventually destroy both themselves and the country...but sadly..it will be too late.
If the government had a fragment of a brain, they will know that HIV is a serious pandemic already happening around the world today and also in gay Singapore. Denying and ignoring the need to get its own infected people back to the road to recovery to be economically productive again can only derail the country from its own deluded attempt to be a first world country. Perhaps the dubious honour of a so called first, third world country disguised as a first.
Safe sex is of cos important but many fail to see the real problem is finding ways to assist those who are already unfortunate to be infected, ways regardless (no judgement) and stay alive and still be useful to the family and the country. Words alone cannot save lives, only real action and sincerity to be accountable for the cries to get help, can.
Interestingly enough, perhaps when the virus catches someone important enough from the inner ranks of government will some action be taken. Nah, that would be too easy..:P
He told me... Would it help his love more or let Allan suffer more?
I understood.
Do you?
Would you be able to stay with an infected guy? Even if you do, can you bear to have sex with him? And if you love him... would it be more or less of a torture for you if he passed on?
You can read more of my friend who passed away on my diary Chapters... this is a way to keep his memory alive from me.
Thankfully there are those who know how to be safe AND compassionate, how to AVOID HIV yet not live in PARALYSING LOVE-KILLING fear of it.
It's people like you, and people who will read and think about what you've written who will live well on this earth.
Let's all learn to face the complexities and ironies of life with courage, compassion and understanding and leave the world a better place than when we came into it.
:-)
I lived in Boston through the 1980s, and AIDS was a powerful and palpable presence for many gay men. I personally knew many young gay men who had HIV and AIDS and who died. I remember going to the funeral of a 27 year old friend with a few other friends, and one of them said to us, "the next one will be mine..." as he too was HIV positive. Sure enough, he passed away about a year after that, far too young.
Looking back now, it seems surreal, but that was the reality then. But aside from the ignorant fringes, there was actually little hysteria or witch hunting; thanks perhaps to the fact that Boston is a university town and a centre of medical research, where education, enlightenment and tolerance are strong traditions. I wonder if it had been Singapore, what would the society's reaction have been, with so many young gay men dying?
请先登入再使用此功能。