"Where would I possibly find enough leather
With which to cover the surface of the Earth?
But (wearing) leather just on the soles of my shoes
Is equivalent to covering the earth with it.
Likewise it is not possible for me
To restrain the external course of things;
But should I restrain this mind of mine,
What would be the need to restrain all else?"
- Santideva, 8th Century C.E. Indian Buddhist sage
On this recent Christmas Day, I was invited to an all day brunch-lunch-dinner affair at a friend of a friend's house. All in all, it was a festive, laid back, and non-alcoholic Christmas gathering. The kitchen table was rich with home-cooked items, like meat pies, broiled shrimp, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, and roasted chicken, among many other delicious dishes. The television in the kitchen was switched on a channel broadcasting a Filipino variety show, featuring lots of singing and dancing to Christmas tunes in Tagalog.
The young folks in the house ended up crowding in the living room to play a game on the host's Nintendo Wii console. The game we played was the most recent version of Super Smash Bros, a game in which you pick a character to play from a whole series of available Nintendo characters, each with their own special abilities, to combat your friends in lush worlds.
Four of us had been playing this game for about an hour, when another person arrived at the party, a friend of the host, who promptly sat and joined us on the couch with his eyes also affixed on the television screen. Midway during the game, he commented on one of the characters' special powers, "Ha ha! That's so gay."
I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand for a split second. I quickly shrugged it off and tried to ignore his comment, but unfortunately, that was not the last time I heard that word "gay" used in that way that afternoon. Soon, a few other folks in the room started using the phrase, "that's so gay" very liberally to describe things that they did not like, or just found pathetically amusing.
I felt increasingly uncomfortable, and exchanged glances with my friend, whom I believed also felt unnerved and annoyed by the phrase. I could feel my frustration and irritation arise in me, but I was at least as threatened by my own inability to speak up about feeling uncomfortable. I felt upset about all our collective silence on the issue. I did not feel comfortable challenging the way the word "gay" was being used to mean something bad. After all, I was in a relative stranger's house (to remind, this was the house of a friend of a friend) so I instead opted for the easier route of deciding to leave.
And so, with much tact and apologetics, my friend and I bade farewell to the otherwise welcoming Christmas party, our bellies filled and fully caffeinated on soft drinks, and our minds frazzled by the Nintendo and the awkward social encounter with that damn phrase, "That's so gay."
Santideva was an Indian monk and scholar of Buddhism who lived in the late 7th and early 8th century, orator of the famous epic, the Bodhicaryavatara, or the Guide to the Way of the Bodhisattva, one of the epics in Mahayana Buddhist literature. In the Guide, Santideva famously espouses a theory of ethical training which challenges us to go beyond our ordinary ways of dealing with conflict (in which we only blame others or try to change others' behaviours) suggesting that one of the major roots of suffering is in our very selves.
In this case, it was not only that the phrase "that's so gay" is the problem, nor is it even that the people who uttered the phrase are the problem, but that it is also true that I am accountable for my own anger and frustration. From Santideva's perspective, he might suggest that in order to adequately address other people's offensive speech, we should also address the seeds of anger, resentment and self-shame that offensive speech simply waters.
Santideva, of course, did not grow up a young gay man in the 21st century, and yet his words strike a chord with me. If I had tried to pave the planet before I could walk in it, it would be a limitless and impossible task. And yet, if I just wore shoes, it would be as if the world was thus paved. Similarly, if I tried to curtail every oppressive, homophobic, racist, sexist action that everybody did everywhere, it would likewise be a limitless and near impossible task.
And yet, the revolution can begin in my own mind. Firstly, I must address my own negative emotions that arise in the face of such offensive speech/behaviour. In this case, I left the space in which I was feeling uncomfortable, so that I would have time to reflect on the emotions that the space was engendering in me. Secondly, I must address the ways in which I have myself been complicit in maintaining inequality.
For example, terms like "fatso" or "fatty" suggest that we are preoccupied with some idea of physical normalcy/beauty (such as skinniness). Many of us use terms like "dumb" and "lame" quite frivolously to refer to things we do not like, words which have their roots in thinking of physically disabled people as less than human. This very belief that has been one of the roots of the Nazi Holocaust which featured the mass extermination not only of Jews and homosexuals, but those who were seen to be physically and/or mentally handicapped. My guess is that most of us who feel most comfortable using terms like "dumb" and "lame" are not likely ourselves "dumb" (mute) or "lame" (physically disabled).
Some people use the term "bitch," some gay men use this term to each other, without thought about how this term has historically been used to put women down. The word is usually used in reference to women who are strong-headed or tough, qualities that are usually rewarded in men. Growing up in Singapore, I would hear terms like "chow chee bye," a Hokkien term that roughly translates into "smelly vagina," used to describe someone whom one did not like. Annabel Chong, one of Singapore's most famous pornographic exports who broke a world record being filmed having sex with about 70 men in 10 hours in 1995, points out the double standard applied to men and women regarding sex. According to Chong, if a man had done what she had done, he might be admired and called a "stud." And yet, because she was a woman, she has been called a "slut." Those two words in the English language have different ethical connotations, both of which are solely determined by gender.
Aside from gender, there are many other ways that we expose our own biases, prejudice, and ignorance by the way we refer to other people. Sometimes, when we want to put down somebody's behaviour or actions, we tell them to "grow up," and sometimes older folks refer to younger people as "kids," as a way either to demean or patronise the intelligence, insight, and life journey of younger people. Many younger people, in turn, have come up with terms and phrases like "troll" and "senile old perv" to demean the sexuality and wisdom of older people. For some of us who live comfortably, we do not think twice about saying things like "that's so ghetto" or "hobo" to describe things we do not like, even though those terms have their roots in demeaning people who live in conditions of poverty.
It may seem that I have become obsessive in attempting to describe all the myriad of words that have very specific hurtful connotations to certain groups of people. What is the point in all of this? you may ask. This is all too much! How can I possibly be fully conscious about the implications of every little thing or word that I say, for fear that I may hypothetically, accidentally hurt one person's feelings?
Yet, if we are serious in asking others to stop using words and engaging in actions that are homophobic (and I believe we should continue to challenge people on this very issue), I believe that we also have to bear witness to the very ways in which we challenge ourselves as individuals and as members of an increasingly global community. We have to address the very roots of anger and hatred, our fear of losing our physical vitality, our fear of femininity, our fear of sexuality, our fear of aging, our fear of poverty, and so on, which characterise the very mental roots of any and all of our epithets that we use to demean others. After all to what extent can we ever opt to demean or make ironic jokes about something or someone without resorting to words that have their basis in social inequality?
It is here that I disagree with Santideva's conclusion as it applies to speaking out against hateful speech or injustice. He suggests that once we have restrained our minds, "What would be the need to restrain all else?" But I am suggesting that it is especially when we have been able to restrain our own minds, that we will be better equipped and able, indeed, responsible for helping others restrain theirs.
Let us, this New Year, as a community effort to address homophobia, also focus on challenging ourselves not to use words that can hurt others. Let us challenge ourselves on our own ignorance with regards to race, ethnicity, religion, gender, sexual expression, age, body type, physical ability, national origin, and so on. Let us be more mindful and resolve to support each other, and support the diversity that is in our community. At the same time, let us also challenge ourselves this year to speak out compassionately against the ignorance that we see in others, without resorting to demeaning their humanity.
For if we are able to be successful in this, even if in the tiniest of steps forward, that would truly be so gay.
Malaysia-born and Singapore-bred Shinen Wong is currently getting settled in Sydney, Australia after moving from the United States, having attended college in Hanover, New Hampshire, and working in San Francisco for a year after. In his fortnightly "Been Queer. Done That" column, Wong will explore gender, sexuality, and queer cultures based on personal anecdotes, sweeping generalisations and his incomprehensible libido.
读者回应
Otherizing occurs in all forms of identity formation, be it male versus female, gays versus straights, them versus us, etc.
My understanding of Santideva's conclusion differs slightly though in that perhaps when we are able to restrain ourselves against such hurtful otherizing, we realize that we are not so different from them, and they are not so different from us. There is really no need then to help 'others' restrain their minds once we are able to restrain ours; the separation between us and them has become artificial.
But how many of us can truly reach that stage? =)
I lost my temper and shot back nastily with a string of expletives and showed them my finger. A good friend then told me I shouldn't have brought myself down to their level, and now this article reinforces that. Thank you.
It made me think on how I too have my own prejudices (mainly racial) and how i'd subtly (though not overtly) express that distaste to the other individual and how it could affect them. For this I'll try to be mindful of how i behave in future, there's enough nastiness in this world, i wouldn't wanna add in more of that.
The Jews controlled the economy of early Nazi History. They were also believed to be the chosen race and this was seen as a threat to the Nazi's concept of the Aryan Race.
Any embarrassment caused is generally to the person using the phrase, and not to yourself. It is only one small step, but it can make a long term difference. Changing the attitude of even one school child to their use of words could help another child struggling with their sexuality who has to face that phrase daily in the school yard, but who does not have the courage to face it directly - a courage that we/I/you should have.
And the the meaning of 'gay' has been altering to 'something's not cool' these days, and I just really don't care when people say the phrase as long as it's not an insult against to 'homosexuals' directly. Sure It sounds a homophobic slur; gay people=dumb or stupid but how many people do you actually think they link the phrase to a homophobic slur nowadays? *very little* or *None* I say!
I use 'lame' or 'retard', Do I mean to hurt handicapped people by saying it? No. I'm sure there are better ways to say it instead but it is really a little tiny harmless expression and the same goes for 'That's so gay'.
I totally agree with your last few sentences that minimise the use of words that can hurt others and support the diversity. But what was your reaction to hear the phrase from your buddies? you felt uncomfortable and just left?
hmm..Wouldn't it be a really step forward stuff if you said to your pals like what 'Wanda Sykes' says? If you don't have the guts to stand up then I'd suggest you to suck it up instead.
'Wanda Sykes - That's So Gay' on YouTube'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWS0GVOQPs0
Wanda Sykes rocks, by the way! and this article is so straight(?? -_-;;)!
could,nt cut the mustard there and got up someone,s nose .
ran away to sydney and still hiding!!!!
why does every thing have to be so personal with you shinnen chill mate
The word gay can be refrring to someone that is happy , fun , joyful. Isn't it ???
Lets not see words as in the narrow context. So what if we are gay ? Yes we are so accept it. Being labelled gay I feel is not offensive or insulting. Not being acepted is.
have you ever thought if we label someone as straight ? and we ostracise them just because they are straight ? that to me is utterly wrong !
Bitch ? Slut ?? hmmmm they can be seen to be very flattering. Can you imagine who are mostly called a "Bitch" ? normally someone foxy , expressive and tend to be more free in the body gesture in the sex game . Slut ? sleeping around ...hahahahh , isn't that something one deserve to be labelled if that is how one behaves ???
It's only words ...don't get so uptight and stressful. Just listen , laugh it out and move on. Better still have a lighted discussion on the subject and find out if they have a negative intention on these characters ?? and if possible correct them there and there ...
That's my take. 2 cents !!
"dude, that's so gay"
I simply replied "yeah, well, so am I"
All I got was an "Oh, yeah."
I think it's how comfortable and open you are.
If someone is being malicious, then its offensive.. if someone is useing the word as an adjective and being considerate of the feelings of those around him/her.. then i dont see the problem... for example when the word gay is used to describe something as arkward.. its being related to the word "queer" in essence.. a characteristic of feminine homosexuals..however its not being related to homosexuals themselfs...unless its being used maliciously. Same for all of those phrases.
The word "nigga" is mostly deamed acceptable to be used amoung most "black" cultures, as its is obvious the context isnt malicious, dosnt mena it is wrong for anybody of a different race "cant" use the word, its just means that the context in which they are using it is harder to determin..so they need to be more considerate..less ignorant
Saying that using such phrases are offensive everytime they are used can kinda show a lack of understanding. Although saying that, the writers views and point raised are not wrong... however i feel they are a bit narrow.
its not that black and white, nothing ever it...
The world is the happiest shade of gray that you choose to make it
joe
:3
If I stopped using the word gay or other such phrases, then really "the idiots are winning" because im having to change my ways because of them!
Slur words can meant the opposite when used in different tone, situation, location, occasion etc.. more often it's used as an expression.
In today's Hollywood, Bollywood, Computer and Mobile tech's society, I think the world have been exposed enough with their negative definitions and exchanged these as being cheeky, cool or even complimentary.
The best approach is to ask what he/she meant and then discuss them.
Moving on today's world dramas, would it be nice to live in a Country who embraces and followed Harvey Milk's ideas i.e. unity and equality on humanity!
I come from a generation that was constantly insulted - and I mean REALLY insulted - by the word "queer"....
Well, we fought the battle and eventually won, with legalising in many places and some subtle changes in attitude among straights.
Then, along comes the next generation and EMBRACES the word "queer"... actually ADOPTS it in a wide-ranging way.
Many of us older generation were quite badly hurt by that but we had to "adjust our thinking" because the younger ones weren't caring about OUR feelings. I think Santideva was right.
We older people had to lose our sensitivity. Time for the younger people to learn from the older?
There are more serious things to get upset over in these dark times we live in than the imagined slights and slurs from words like "dumb", "lame" and "bitch".
Leaving a party and scuttling home to bitch about a comment on a Nintendo character with a 3000-word essay on Christmas Day is definitely over reacting. Insisting on everyone and everything being politically correct is not just gay, it is lame and dumb too.
What a fantastic feeling!
Whether "b1tch" is a vulgarity or not depends wholly on context. For example, "Miss Wong had a b1tch fest about something ridiculously trivial" doesn't have the same meaning as "The dog breeder's prize b1tch Shinen mated with his male dog Wong".
Shinen you are confused about Santideva's teaching and at the same time confusing your readers. The teaching that you quoted talks about letting go of external things that may disturb or distract your mind, by way of working inwards rather than outwards. This exercise if successfully carried out will give you equanimity. The teaching does not concern another Mahayana teaching which talks about helping all other beings achieve enlightenment as part of one's bodhisattvic goal. These two teachings are usually discussed separately and entirely on their own merits. It seems you were disagreeing with Santideva's teaching and making ill-conceived comments when you haven't finished reading the whole book, as it were.
Laughing along doesn't make an insult less of an insult... While "gay" is a neutral word in itself not unlike "Indian" or "Chinese", imagine when "That's so Chinese (or insert whatever race)" is taken to mean stupid, selfish, self-serving, etc
How 'gay' became children's insult of choice (BBC)
The word "gay" is now the most frequently used term of abuse in schools, says a report. How did it get to be so prevalent and why do children use homophobic insults to get at each other?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/7289390.stm
Bt the funny thing is-from my observation anyway-this slur's often used almost exclusively by ethnic Chinese Singaporeans themselves. So maybe Kellen now that you mentioned "laughing along does not make an insult less of an insult" I can't help but draw a parallel to this incident :p
And maybe get to understand the mentality of those who are fond of using 'That's so gay'????
words only become insults when they prick your inner shame... if you give strangers the power to hurt you with slurs, perhaps you need to re-adjust your pride and self-worth
GOOD POINT!!!!!!! :)))
words only become insults when they prick your inner shame... if you give strangers the power to hurt you with slurs, perhaps you need to re-adjust your pride and self-worth
I agree. If you respect yourself enough to make your feelings heard, it wouldn't matter if it's your own home or someone elses. Wherever the venue, you might get a chance to educate the ignorant when you voice your opinion.
Keeping it all inside and whining to people who weren't involved would only add to the anger within yourself.
We can also turn to the Da Xue which says that to change the world we must first change our hearts through self-study. Only then are we armed sufficiently to take on the world.
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